In previous blogs and workshops, I explore the phenomenon that, in order for us to be able to create a conscious loving dynamic relationship, we must be able to LIVE from our aware self, that is our true empowered wise & worthy adult whole self.. and step out of those parts of us who are wounded or critical & judgmental. When two people who love one another begin to relate mostly from their aware selves, the partnership becomes an amazing opportunity to grow and increase our capacity to love and be loved.
This begs the question: how can we step into our greatest authentic whole aware selves? And, how can we then live from the aware self’s inner truth that knows unconditionally that you are worthy, valuable, wise, full of love and meant to be here on this earth? In this place, you are not threatened by other people’s differing realities and ways of being – and embrace compassion and an openness to resolving any potential or actual conflicts.
In exploring how we can step into such a place, we first need to accept that we are not always going to be in this place of magnanimity. The idea is to become conscious when we find ourselves reacting or going “unconscious.” We want to be able to develop the capacity to identify what still may need some healing whenever we find ourselves getting upset or feeling bad about ourselves &/or our beloved. Or, when we find ourselves slipping into judgment & criticism towards ourselves and others.
A precursor to learning how to live from our more connected and conscious aware self is to have the skills to identify what is going on for us when we get thrown off in any of these ways – and be able to then take care of ourselves – and lastly, to be able to quickly step back into who we TRULY are as wise, expansive and emotionally mature adults. (In the last blog article, I gave you a link to a free workshop that goes into more depth how you can do this: http://bit.ly/TransformEmotionalTriggers )
There are three foundational pieces I help my clients & students to develop that set the stage for living & relating from our empowered aware self:
(I) Self love & self esteem
Louise Hay has an exquisite description of what loving oneself means: “To me, love is a deep appreciation. When I talk about loving ourselves, I mean having a deep appreciation for who we are. We accept all the different parts of ourselves—our little peculiarities, the embarrassments, the things we may not do so well, and all the wonderful qualities, too. We accept the whole package with love. Unconditionally.”
And she continues: “To be enlightened is to go within and know who and what we really are, and to know that we have the ability to change for the better by loving and taking care of ourselves…”
(II) Capacity to get out of our heads & drop to our hearts
Researchers are demonstrating that the heart works with the brain and body to process all that is going on in a much more all encompassing - i.e., wise - way than just our brains. At the Heartmath Institute, they have performed countless experiments and done thousands of studies that demonstrate that the heart is how we can connect with another on the deepest level - and that it is where our greatest “intelligence” is.
“The signals from the heart profoundly impact perception and cognitive function by virtue of the heart’s extensive communication network with the brain.” More from Heartmath here: http://bit.ly/HeartBrainIntelligence
You can often know when you or someone else is mostly just in their heads with their tone of voice, disengaged attitude and lack of openness to connection. When we can operate from our hearts AND our brains, this is how we can be coming from our aware selves to be able to connect with ourselves and others in a much deeper & more expansive way. We can help ourselves step into our hearts by quieting our mind chatter – and consciously deciding to drop to our hearts!
(III) Holding Ourselves & Others with Unconditional Positive Regard
Unconditional positive regard is the foundation to stepping into our aware selves. Carl Rogers coined this term - and says that UPR is a "basic acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does.”
We begin by holding our own selves in UPR, that is, we step into a nonjudgmental & non shaming attitude toward ourselves - and accept ourselves, which includes all of our strengths AND weaknesses. If we don’t, it becomes too easy to go down that slippery road of self-judgment – and often, judging others. If we cannot give our own selves this unconditional acceptance, it is going to make it difficult to give this to others!
And then, we develop our capacity to hold our loved ones in UPR. When we can give this gift to our partners, we will be able to dramatically improve the quality of our interactions with our beloved, even when there is a difference arising. When we apply UPR in relating to a spouse when there is a disagreement or upset, miracles can take place - let alone make room for the greatest resolution.
We can step into UPR in such challenging times with our spouse by reminding ourselves that - no matter what he/she says or does (or does NOT do).. and no matter what negative feelings may be coming up for us around our beloved’s behavior, in essence - our mate is a lovable beautiful being underneath the behavior. This does not mean that I should just ignore bad behavior - or not let him/her know that something is hurtful or a problem, but I can still hold him/her with unconditional positive regard - even when I set a boundary or limit.
When we have developed these foundational ingredients to be able to access and operate from our aware self, we are now in a place to create our greatest dream life and relationship. Stay tuned for my next blog article exploring more how we can live from this conscious place of our greatest self.
Be sure to check out my new & improved services for couples at: www.KimVonBerg.com - and, for singles at: www.ThrivingLovingRelationships.com